We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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