I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
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