she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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