Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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