Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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