I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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