I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
