What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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