the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
