I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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