Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
