1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Girls should come with a carfax report
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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