Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
