Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
