those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
