He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Randomize
