i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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