I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
How's work?
Spinning.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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