i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
