There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
