You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
