i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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