but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
where are you?
Hypothermia
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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