thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
