okay pat passed out under dana's car
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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