I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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