Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
