i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
The best revenge is premature balding
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
