i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
