I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
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