I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
