I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
