I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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