Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
