1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
