um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
