i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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