he wants to bone in the snuggie
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
