I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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