Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Randomize
