Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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