The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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