I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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