You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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