I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
