On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
