Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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