My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
