So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
