You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
