im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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