This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
