i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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