I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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