What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
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