My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize
