I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
