Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
