He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
